Trilly Jean

Growing up young mothers were shunned. They are the example of what not to do with your life as a girl. As a woman a few weeks into 30 with no children, I did everything right (according to society’s standards). I am 30 and childless and now society is looking at me like, “what’s wrong with you, girl?”

With my social media timelines filled with weddings, baby showers, and kid promotion ceremonies I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with FOMO (fear of missing out). My life is barley together as is, adding a partner and a child to that equation just might equal disaster. Summer is approaching which should remedy FOMO for women in my same boat. So here’s a few tips to survive being 30 & childless.

1. Take Trips.

Travel is known to reduce anxiety. Whether alone or in a group take a trip. Depending on where you are located it might only be a few cities over but the freedom to go as you wish and a change of scenery is good for the mind. If your employment and wallet permits check with a travel agent, Groupon, or Travel Noire for more elaborate trips. Or simply head to the mecca of party, Las Vegas! There is always something going on no matter the day. It is flooded with other singles, semi-singles (what happens there stays there), and soon-to-be-singles (when what happened there follows you home).

2. Invest in Yourself.

Whether it’s adding extra money to your retirement, a new pair of shoes or setting aside funds to start your dream business. There are always areas in life where you can use a little sprucing up. It is okay to be selfish, sometimes. You’d be surprised how a facial or even new clothes can be a huge pick-me-up. Appreciate yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. You can’t be good to anyone else if you aren’t good to yourself… so they say.

3.Take a Mental Break

Stimulates yo’ mind, Craig. Not necessarily in that way. Life is stressful enough due to outside factors, don’t add to it with worrisome and non productive thoughts. Easier said than done but there are activities that can help. Exercise is a great tool to help relieve stress and tension. Even if you end up sore the next day a good sweat can do wonders. Irregardless of how you choose to exercise (traditional gym,  home aerobics,  or extra curricular) get it in. Meditation, prayer, positive affirmations can also help free up clutter of the mind. And best of all, its free! Get some sticky notes and love notes to yourself. Seeing them around your space will give your brain a break from self-inflicted criticism.

 

4. Volunteer with a Youth Program.

If you go back and forth with the idea of having children or simply want to test drive before you buy, spend some time with a group of kids. You will be exposed to the various personalities and challenges children pose. The beauty is you gain experience without all the major responsibilities. And if it doesn’t work out to your liking they go home to their real guardians. It is also an opportunity to give back. Win, win, right?

5. Celebrate!

You made it, childless! Whatever road you choose, whichever path you take, trust your journey. With or without children someone will always have an opinion about what you should be doing.

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Some of these tips suggest that you spend money and that’s because once you have a family (in the many forms they come), you won’t have any for yourself! That is unless you’re Beyonce or Oprah.

It’s Mother’s Day, and there has been various posts all over social media of people praising and berating their mothers. The internet is a cruel place. I wanted to write a piece. Like to hear it, here it goes!
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A mother is supposed to be warm, kind, soft, forgiving, nurturing, selfless, and loving. That is not always the case. They are not unicorns. They are not one dimensional. They have soldiered many wars. And many times live with the scars.

There are lies told to children through books and television about how our mothers will be. Your mother will not be a June Cleaver, or Claire Huxtable. Sometimes she is Sethe- living in the wounds of her past. Hating you and loving you simultaneously, beloved. Or she may not see you at all, clipping your wings and throwing you from the nest leaving you and your prayers in the wind.

Chances are the world was not fair to her. It brought about survival in her. The survival that would be passed down for you to live in that same world. Maybe you were the husband’s prize and now the mere sight of you reminds her of the man she once loved but now causes her so much pain. Ugh, you look just like yo daddy. Passive aggressive insults.

She had to move on toward her future but her past is still in tow. History repeats itself, decade after decade, man after man. She is a woman, not just a mother. She has needs- romantic love, intimacy, companionship. Mama gotta have a life too! Irregardless, you will still need her, crave her womb, want to be coddled, serenaded, lulled, protected.

Exodus 20:12 tells us that we should honor our mothers. So, we should in all of their imperfection, pain, and malevolence because we may one day fill their shoes and carry their burdens.